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Registered Psychologist and Registered Marriage & Family Therapist
One spouse will often tell the other spouse, “You want me to change who I am. I can’t. This is who I am.”
It is true that people in relationships need to accept and love one another as they are rather than trying to change each other. Some parts of our personalities are stable and do not change much, at least not that dramatically. It is also true, however, that we can—and ought to—improve our ability to be effective in relationships throughout our lives, which hinges on our willingness to adopt a growth mindset.
Healthy relationships embrace both acceptance and change at the same time. We learn to accept and love one another as we are, while recognizing the need for steady improvement in ourselves. Healthy relationships urge us and invite us to stretch ourselves and to grow beyond our comfort zones, and beyond our habitual coping mechanisms, to become a brighter, happier, more authentic version of ourselves.
We change our minds about a topic. We change our perspective on issues. We become clearer about our limits. We change our habits. We lose weight. We switch careers. We become more extroverted or more introverted than we were ten years ago. We become less shy or more confident. We mature. We grow.
When people do change, however, they change when they are ready to change. They change after there has been a period of preparation to change. They change when they feel they have room to change, and when the idea to change is self-directed. Real lasting change cannot be forced or demanded.
Lasting change is also often gradual, often occurring right before our eyes, but at a pace too slow to see. Evangelical, dramatic, Ebenezer-Scrooge-type-experiences that change our lives overnight do occur, but they are rare. Real change more often comes about as a result of innumerable small, incremental shifts in our thinking, attitudes and behavior that help us grow gradually. Look at the life of any individual who has accomplished great things and you will see that such feats could not exist were it not for many small-and-simple little things done consistently, repeatedly, over a long period of time.
Still, change can be scary for many people. It can be like letting go of a security blanket. Perhaps that is when we hide behind the rationalization that this is simply who we are, that there’s no use fighting who we are.
I see it differently. Real change is not so much about changing who we are. Perhaps it’s more like removing a mask. Michelangelo is quoted to have said that he created such amazing works of art in his statues by taking a slab of marble and seeing the statue already inside it. His job was to remove the parts that didn’t belong.
We enter life a lot like Michelangelo’s works of art, only in reverse. We start with the statue—unique, good, and perfect. Then we start to have some negative experiences. We get hurt or wounded. We learn to cover the wounds to prevent getting hurt more. Slowly, we start to accumulate an outer layer of stone-like protective material that does not belong. These are our coping mechanisms and protective defenses. This “outer layer” protects us and hides us. It becomes a “persona” that we present to the world that is not necessarily who we are. It is, rather, a mask.
With this in mind, the change we can make is not to be someone different but to learn to be more true to the seeds of greatness within us, to be more congruent with the still voice of conscience inside that reminds us to treat others the way we wish we could be treated, to be more vulnerable by letting the “real” person inside show up, to chip away at the stone that does not belong, to remove the mask.
What are some examples of this “protective layer” I refer to? Perhaps it is reactive anger. It could be a habit of negativity, or of thinking the worst of people. Maybe you shut out the ones you love when you’re afraid. For some it could be acting in a domineering way or a controlling manner. Maybe it is insisting that things must be your way. Maybe you focus on being right. It could be selfishness, holding back, or withholding. Maybe you act entitled. Perhaps you try to please others to avoid conflict. Once we begin to remove this stuff that does not belong, we can let our real, authentic selves shine forth. As we do, not only will we grow personally, but our relationships will likely begin to improve as well.
Thus, authenticity—being true to what is real and genuine inside you—is one of the keys to a stronger, more intimate relationship. What can you do today to let the real you inside show up—the bold you, the courageous you, the loving kind you, the vulnerable you? What can you say to be more authentic with your spouse and to honor and love your spouse’s attempts to be more authentic with you? Are you willing to trust yourself more and to take the risk to be open and to put your deeper feelings in plain sight for your spouse to see?
To the extent that you can work together to create a safe environment where this type of real and genuine exchange can take place, your relationship will begin to grow stronger and more fulfilling and secure. This is the start of real relationship change.
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