Registered psychologist and registered marriage & family therapist
Disagreements and conflict are inevitable in intimate relationships. No two people have the exact same priorities, preferences, or perspectives. Conflict arises when those differences are difficult to reconcile. Conflict itself is not necessarily unhealthy. What matters is how couples respond to their differences.
Research by psychologist Dr. John Gottman (1993b) has shown that couples can have very different styles of managing conflict and still maintain happy, stable relationships. Some couples avoid disagreements, others approach them calmly, while still others debate passionately and express strong emotions. What distinguishes healthy conflict isn’t simply how frequently or intensely couples disagree, but how they treat each other when they do.
Conflict can even be an opportunity for growth. It can help us become more authentic and honest about our own feelings and needs, learn more about our partner’s experiences, and become more responsive to what matters to them. When handled well, conflict can help couples understand each other better and learn to work together more cooperatively and respectfully.
It’s important to distinguish conflict from contention. Conflict is about the differences between us. Contention occurs when partners become adversarial, hostile, or more interested in defending themselves and winning than understanding each other and working toward a solution. Couples can disagree strongly, and even express anger, without becoming contentious.
For many years, I’ve referred to the principles in this article as “Fair Fighting Rules.” Over time, however, I’ve become less comfortable with that description. Disagreements and anger are normal, and sometimes necessary parts of intimate relationships. Fighting, however, suggests something more adversarial, as though partners are opponents trying to defeat each other. The term “fair fighting” suggests that the goal is simply to win with more civility. The goal isn’t to help couples become better at fighting. It’s to help them work through their differences while remaining respectful, engaged, and concerned for each other’s well-being.
I’ve also come to think of these principles less as rules and more as guardrails. Rules tell us what we should and shouldn’t do, but when emotions run high, rules can easily go out the window. Guardrails help us stay on course and protect us from causing harm when things get difficult. They don’t prevent us from having disagreements, expressing strong feelings, or standing up for what matters to us. They help us navigate those difficult moments without hurting ourselves, each other, or the relationship.
The following nine guardrails are intended to help you and your partner work through conflict in ways that protect your relationship while making room for both of you to be heard, understood, and respected.
These guardrails are intended for couples who can disagree without fear of violence, intimidation, or retaliation. If your relationship involves physical aggression, threats, coercive control, or abuse, the priority is not learning to manage conflict more effectively but ensuring your safety. Ordinary conflict-resolution strategies, including taking time-outs and trying to work through disagreements together, may not be appropriate or safe in these circumstances. Consider seeking guidance from a qualified professional with expertise in intimate partner violence. Remember that you are not responsible for preventing your partner’s abusive behaviour by communicating differently or following these guardrails more carefully.
Contempt is one of the most destructive attitudes for relationships. It occurs when we look down on our partner with an attitude of superiority, disdain, or disrespect. It can be expressed through name-calling, insults, put-downs, mockery, sarcasm, eye-rolling, or a condescending tone of voice. These behaviours communicate something more hurtful than simple disagreement or anger. They suggest that we see our partner as somehow inferior, foolish, or unworthy of our respect.
There is an important difference between being upset with your partner’s behaviour and showing contempt for who they are as a person. You can be angry about something your partner has done, strongly disagree with their choices, or insist that they take responsibility for hurtful behaviour without attacking their dignity. Contempt crosses that line. It turns a disagreement about a problem into an attack on the person.
When you demean your partner, it’s as though you are saying, “You are not safe with me. I will do whatever it takes to protect myself and win.” Just as sports have rules against deliberately injuring an opponent, intimate relationships need boundaries that protect both partners from emotional harm. Research by psychologist John Gottman and his colleagues has identified contempt as one of the particularly destructive patterns of interaction associated with marital instability and divorce (Gottman, 1993a).
Protecting your partner’s dignity doesn’t require you to overlook their mistakes, excuse hurtful behaviour, or give up your own needs. It means remembering that your partner remains a person worthy of respect, even when you are disappointed, hurt, or angry with them. Their shortcomings do not make them less deserving of humane and respectful treatment, any more than your own shortcomings diminish your dignity.
Contempt is a door we open when we allow ourselves to lose respect for our partner. When we lose sight of the good in our partner and become preoccupied with their faults, we become more vulnerable to contempt. Therefore, staying within Guardrail #1 is about cultivating respect for the dignity and humanity of your partner. Make a commitment that you will not resort to below-the-belt disdain, even if you are hurt. One way to guard against this is to deliberately remind yourself of what you value in your partner, the qualities you admire, and what you appreciate about them, especially when you’re feeling hurt or angry. Think of contempt as something like a dangerously addictive drug. Expressing disdain may feel satisfying in the moment, but indulging in it repeatedly can do serious damage to your relationship.
We also fall into contemptuous responses when we believe that we are in an adversarial relationship with our partner and that we must mount a vigorous offense just to be heard. Another antidote for contempt is to remember that you and your partner are on the same team. You may not always have the same priorities or perspectives, but that doesn’t make you opponents. Your partner’s concerns, feelings and needs are not obstacles to overcome. They are as important as your own. Instead of trying to defeat your partner’s position, try to understand it. Remind yourself that you are not fighting against each other. You are working together to find a way forward that respects both of you.
When you start to feel that your partner is your adversary, ask yourself, “If I were as committed to understanding and protecting my partner’s interests as I am to protecting my own, what would I do or say differently right now?” Try to identify what you want and need and what your partner may be wanting and needing as well. Then reflect on ways that each of you could meet your needs, without viewing each other as the problem. It is very difficult to maintain an attitude of contempt toward someone whose well-being and interests you are genuinely trying to protect. Of course, this works best when both partners are willing to adopt this stance. Partnership requires mutual concern, not one-sided accommodation.
When something your partner says or does upsets you, it’s natural for your attention to turn toward them and what you believe they’ve done wrong. You may find yourself blaming or criticizing them rather than recognizing what’s happening inside you. Blame invites defensiveness from your partner and can escalate a disagreement into contention. It also distracts you from becoming aware of your own feelings, hurts, fears, and unmet needs.
Criticism of your partner’s character, rather than expressing a complaint about their behaviour, is one of the destructive communication patterns identified in research by psychologist John Gottman and his colleagues as being associated with marital distress and instability (Gottman, 1993a; Gottman & Levenson, 1992).
Instead of concentrating on what your partner did wrong, turn some of your attention inward. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now? Why is this affecting me so strongly? What is important to me here? What am I wanting or needing?” You may discover that beneath your anger lies hurt, disappointment, loneliness, fear, or a longing to feel understood and valued.
Practice becoming curious about your own reactions, particularly when you feel hurt, defensive, or angry. Instead of immediately directing your attention toward what your partner has done wrong, pause and ask yourself what is happening inside you. Try to identify the feelings beneath your initial reaction, the meaning you’re making of what happened, and the needs or concerns that are important to you.
For example, you may initially be thinking, “My partner is so selfish. They never want to spend time with me.” But when you look more closely at what’s happening inside you, you may discover something more vulnerable: “I’ve been feeling lonely. I miss spending time together, and I’m afraid I’m becoming less important to my partner.”
Turning your attention inward doesn’t mean becoming absorbed in your own feelings or disregarding your partner’s experience. Quite the opposite. Greater self-awareness can help you recognize your own sensitivities, assumptions, and defensive reactions, making it easier to listen to your partner with curiosity and humility.
The goal is to remain aware of what’s happening inside you while also being interested in what’s happening inside your partner. Sometimes you may need to set your own concerns aside temporarily to understand theirs. Other times, you may need to pause and reflect on your own reactions before you can listen openly. Both are important.
The purpose of turning inward isn’t to become preoccupied with yourself, but to understand yourself well enough that you can engage with your partner more openly, honestly, and constructively.
Anger is a normal emotion, and there is nothing wrong with letting your partner know when you are upset. You don’t have to sound cheerful or pleasant when discussing something that has hurt or frustrated you. In fact, being honest about your anger can be an important part of addressing problems in your relationship. But there is a difference between expressing anger and directing hostility toward your partner. Anger is an emotion; hostility is a stance or way of relating to your partner. Hostility isn’t always deliberate; it can be something you slip into, but that doesn’t diminish your responsibility to recognize it and change how you relate to your partner.
Yelling at your partner, speaking in an intimidating or aggressive tone, or using your voice to overpower or silence them can quickly escalate a disagreement. On the other hand, a raised voice doesn’t necessarily mean someone is being hostile. Some people are naturally more expressive or come from families where animated, passionate conversations are normal. And hostility can also be communicated quietly, through sarcasm, coldness, or a condescending tone.
The important question isn’t simply how loudly you’re speaking, but whether the way you’re expressing yourself communicates anger about a problem or hostility toward your partner.
Make a conscious effort to express your anger without becoming hostile. You can be firm, direct, passionate, and even visibly upset while continuing to treat your partner with respect. Focus on communicating what is troubling you rather than using your tone to attack, intimidate, or overpower your partner.
Pay attention to how your tone affects your partner. What seems like an ordinary expression of frustration to you may feel hostile or intimidating to them. Take their experience seriously, even if you don’t intend to sound threatening. Be willing to adjust your tone without feeling that you have to deny or suppress what you’re feeling.
For example, instead of shouting, “How many times do I have to tell you? You never listen to me!” you might say, with genuine frustration in your voice, “I’m really upset about this. I feel like I’ve tried to explain why it’s important to me, and I’m frustrated that we still haven’t been able to work it out.”
If you find yourself becoming so upset that you can no longer express your anger without hostility, it may be time to take a break and calm down before continuing the conversation (see Guardrail #9).
Using physical aggression or threatening your partner with force has no place in a respectful, healthy relationship. No matter how angry or upset you become, you are responsible for your behaviour. Physical aggression includes shoving, hitting, slapping, punching, pushing, or restraining your partner against their will. Punching holes in walls, throwing things, or breaking dishes are other examples of threatening or intimidating behaviour. Even when you are not physically touching your partner, acting out your anger in these ways can violate their sense of safety. Remember that each of us has a right to feel safe and free from threats or violence in our relationships.
If you feel yourself getting close to the point of being physically aggressive, stop the argument immediately. Let your partner know that you need to step away. Give yourself time and space to calm down. Go for a walk, breathe deeply, and don’t resume the conversation until you are confident that you can manage your behaviour safely.
If you have already used physical force, threats, or intimidation, recognize the seriousness of what has happened. Taking a break and calming down is not enough. Take responsibility for your behaviour and seek professional help from someone qualified to address aggression or violence in relationships.
If you are on the receiving end of threats or violence, remember that you are not responsible for your partner’s behaviour. Your safety comes first. Seek support from someone qualified to help you assess your situation and protect yourself.
Bringing up the possibility of separation or divorce in the heat of an argument can be deeply unsettling to your partner, even if you are not intending it as a threat. You might genuinely feel at that moment that you want to leave the relationship, only to realize once you have calmed down that you don’t mean it. In the meantime, the threat of separation creates instability, fosters anxiety about being abandoned, distracts from the issue at hand, and undermines your ability to resolve it. Over time such threats can erode trust and damage the sense of security that intimate relationships depend upon. Once damaged, that trust may take considerable time and effort to restore.
Make a commitment not to threaten separation or divorce in the heat of an argument. Even when you are deeply upset, try to remember that having a serious disagreement doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is in jeopardy. Remind yourself of your commitment to your partner and to working through difficulties together.
If you are genuinely questioning whether you want to remain in the relationship, those concerns deserve to be taken seriously and discussed thoughtfully, rather than raised impulsively during a fight.
There may be legitimate reasons to consider ending a relationship, particularly when your safety or well-being is at risk. But the heat of an argument is rarely the best time to make or announce such a decision.
One of the most important skills you can develop for keeping disagreements from escalating is learning to express your feelings, wants and needs, rather than making assumptions about your partner’s feelings or accusing them of having certain intentions or agendas.
Defining yourself means being willing to let your partner know who you are, what matters to you, how you feel, and where you stand. It requires both self-awareness and the courage to be open about your inner experience, even when you worry that your partner may not understand or agree. And it means recognizing that your partner is a separate person, with their own thoughts, feelings, and perspectives that may be quite different from yours. Healthy conflict requires room for both of you to be yourselves without either person presuming to define the other.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of believing we know what our partner is thinking or why they are behaving a certain way. But statements such as “I know you think that …” or “You just want to …” are presumptuous. They imply that you know your partner’s inner world better than they do. Such statements often provoke defensiveness and make it harder for the two of you to understand each other.
Focus on defining yourself rather than your partner. Identify your own feelings, needs, concerns, and ways of thinking, and express them in clear, direct, respectful words.
Use a lot of “I-statements” to communicate what you’ve discovered about yourself. An I-statement is a way of expressing what you are feeling, experiencing, wanting, or needing without blaming or judging either yourself or your partner. It means being candid and vulnerable about what is going on inside you rather than making accusations about your partner.
Instead of saying, “You are so selfish. You never make time for me,” you might say, “I’ve been feeling lonely lately. I miss spending time with you. I’d really like us to have more time together.”
This doesn’t mean you should avoid using the word “you” altogether. After all, sometimes you need to describe something your partner has done that has upset you. The important thing is to describe what is bothering you rather than judging your partner.
Of course, describing your own feelings, perceptions and experiences doesn’t necessarily mean that your understanding of what happened is accurate. We all make assumptions about why our partners behave as they do, and sometimes those assumptions find their way into what we say, even when we’re using I-statements. It’s important to distinguish between what you know about your own experience and what you think you know about your partner’s.
Practice what psychologists call epistemic humility. This means recognizing that, however well you think you know your partner, you may be mistaken about what they are thinking, feeling, or intending. Remember that your feelings are real, but your interpretations of your partner’s behaviour, thoughts, or intentions may not be accurate. You can be confident about your own experience while remaining open to discovering that you’ve misunderstood theirs.
Rather than telling your partner what they think or feel, ask them. Be curious about their perspective and give them the opportunity to explain themselves. You can even share your assumptions, provided you acknowledge that they are assumptions rather than facts.
For example, instead of saying, “You don’t care about what I think,” you might say, “I’m feeling dismissed, and I’m starting to wonder whether my opinion matters to you. I realize I might be misreading things. Can you help me understand how you’re seeing this?”
When discussing something that is bothering you, avoid the temptation to bring up unrelated grievances or use your partner’s past mistakes to strengthen your case. It can be tempting—and seem like an easier way to express your feelings about the matter—to say, “This is just like that time when you ….” But before long, you may find yourselves arguing about what happened in the past rather than resolving the issue at hand.
Sometimes, of course, the past is relevant to the present. If something upsetting keeps happening, it is important to recognize and talk about the recurring pattern. But rather than cataloguing specific incidents, focus on describing the pattern, how it affects you, and what you would like to be different.
Another way couples get sidetracked is by arguing over examples. One partner complains about a recurring pattern and the other responds, “When have I ever done that? Give me an example!” The ensuing argument about what happened, who said what, and whose recollection is accurate can easily overshadow the original concern. Instead of trying to understand each other, you end up trying to prove who’s right.
Make a commitment to stay focused on understanding and resolving the issue at hand. If something has been happening repeatedly, describe the pattern and how it affects you rather than listing examples of your partner’s past mistakes. For instance, you might say, “I often feel that my concerns get dismissed, and I end up feeling alone and unimportant.”
If your partner asks for examples, consider whether providing one will actually help clarify the concern or simply lead to another argument. You might say, “I can give you an example, but I’m worried we’ll end up arguing about what happened that day instead of talking about the pattern I’m concerned about. Could we stay with what I’m trying to tell you for a moment?”
If you’re on the receiving end of a complaint, you may feel that you need specific examples to understand what your partner is talking about. That may seem reasonable, but it can easily lead to an argument about the details of what happened, what those events meant, whose recollection is accurate, and whether the example really proves your partner’s point.
Instead of immediately asking for examples, try asking for information about your partner’s experience. For example, “When you feel that I’m not listening to you, what is that like for you? What goes through your mind? How does it affect how you feel about me or our relationship? What would help you feel more heard?” Listen carefully and then tell your partner what you think you’ve understood. Check with them to see if you’ve got it right.
This kind of conversation can lead somewhere much more helpful. Instead of arguing about whether you really were listening last Tuesday, you might discover that your partner has been feeling unimportant, lonely, or disconnected from you, and that what they really want is more of your attention and engagement. Now you have something meaningful you can respond to and work on together.
Remember, understanding your partner doesn’t require agreeing that their reaction was justified or that their interpretation of events was accurate. It means understanding how they experienced what happened and why it was upsetting to them. You can understand and care about your partner’s feelings without giving up your own perspective. Your goal is not to determine whether your partner has made a convincing case against you. Your goal is to discover something about your partner that you didn’t understand before.
If you genuinely need an example to clarify what behaviour your partner is describing, ask for one with curiosity rather than defensiveness. But resist the temptation to argue about the details. Instead, ask what was upsetting about that experience and what your partner would like to be different.
Finally, if you find yourself wanting to bring up an unrelated past incident, it may be a sign that something remains unresolved. Make a commitment to discuss and repair upsetting incidents as soon as reasonably possible, rather than allowing resentments to accumulate. If an old hurt still needs attention, agree to address it separately rather than allowing it to derail the current conversation.
An argument can often feel like a game of hot potato, where neither party wants to be caught holding the potato. One person says something like, “I felt attacked when you criticized me.” The other then says, “Well, I felt frustrated that you weren’t listening to me.” Then the first says, “Well, I wasn’t listening because I don’t like it when you judge me.” Then the other retorts, “And I didn’t like it when you raised your voice at me.” In such an argument, no one is really listening with their heart, trying to understand the other person. Both parties often want to give a rebuttal right away, often before the other person has finished speaking. Both are so eager to defend themselves or express their own grievances that neither person’s concerns get the attention they deserve.
One of the most important skills in managing conflict is learning to set aside your own reactions long enough to genuinely understand what your partner is trying to tell you. Taking turns helps, but simply waiting for your turn to speak isn’t the same as listening. You can remain perfectly silent while mentally preparing your rebuttal.
Make a conscious effort to listen to understand your partner rather than preparing your defense. Give your partner room to express what they are thinking and feeling without interrupting to contradict or correct them or to explain yourself. When they have finished, try summarizing what you’ve heard in your own words. Ask whether you’ve understood them correctly and be willing to listen further if you haven’t.
Listen with your heart, not just your ears. Try to understand not only what your partner is saying, but why it matters to them. This means being willing to let your partner’s experience matter to you, even before you’ve had an opportunity to explain your own. Rather than simply waiting for your turn, make a genuine effort to appreciate what your partner is going through and why they might be feeling as they do.
For example, if your partner says, “I felt hurt when you made that joke about me at dinner,” resist the temptation to respond, “I was only kidding!” Instead, you might say, “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that hurt you. Can you tell me more about that?” That response invites your partner to explain more about their experience rather than forcing them to defend their feelings. You might even add, “I can understand why that would be hurtful. I didn’t think at the time that it had affected you that way.”
Try to find the understandable part of what your partner is saying, even if you see things differently. You don’t have to agree with their interpretation or abandon your own perspective. But make sure you’ve understood theirs before asking them to consider yours. Your partner needs to experience that their feelings and concerns matter to you, not simply that you’ve accurately repeated their words.
When it’s your turn to speak, check that your partner is ready to listen. And when you’re listening, remember that your partner’s complaint is not an invitation to immediately bring up your own. Your concerns matter too, but they will have a better chance of being heard if you’re willing to give your partner’s concerns some attention first.
If you find yourself wanting to interrupt, remind yourself how frustrating it feels when someone interrupts you. Slow down, hold your thought, and give your partner the opportunity to finish. Sometimes the most useful thing you can say isn’t a defense or a rebuttal, but a sincere question that helps you understand them better.
Disagreements happen in all intimate relationships. It isn’t disagreements themselves that are harmful, but how partners sometimes behave when they disagree. Criticism, defensiveness, hostility, and disrespect can quickly turn a disagreement into a destructive argument. Many people are unaware of how their body’s physical response to conflict affects their ability to communicate constructively.
When you become emotionally overwhelmed, you may experience what psychologists call physiological flooding. Your body’s stress response is activated. Your heart rate may increase, your muscles may tense, and your attention may become focused on protecting yourself from a perceived threat. Your ability to think clearly, listen with empathy, consider your partner’s perspective, and creatively solve problems can become impaired.
In this state, you may respond by attacking, criticizing, or trying to overpower your partner. Or you may withdraw, shut down, or become unwilling to engage. Either way, you are no longer in a good position to resolve the disagreement. If you recognize that you are becoming flooded, or that you are beginning to cross the other guardrails, it may be time to take a break.
A time-out is an effective way to calm down, regain perspective, and return to a disagreement with a different attitude. A break of 30 to 60 minutes can do wonders to help your body settle down and your thinking become less defensive and more flexible. Sometimes you may need longer. The important thing is to return when you are calm enough to engage constructively, rather than forcing yourself to continue when you are still overwhelmed.
Follow the Four R’s:
Remember, the purpose of taking a break isn’t to escape a difficult conversation. It’s to put yourself in a better position to have it. A successful time-out not only helps you feel calmer but also helps you return to your partner better able to listen, take responsibility, and work together toward resolving the problem.
Understanding these nine guardrails is one thing. Learning to use them when you’re upset, hurt, or feeling misunderstood is another. Changing established patterns of conflict takes time, practice, and a willingness to approach disagreements differently.
Sometimes couples can make these changes on their own. Other times, they find themselves falling back into the same patterns despite their best intentions. Couples counselling can help partners recognize those patterns, understand what keeps them going, and develop new ways of responding to each other.
At Calgary Couples Counselling Centre, helping couples navigate conflict and strengthen their relationships is one of our central areas of expertise. If you and your partner are struggling to communicate or work through disagreements constructively, our therapists would be happy to help.
Gottman, J. M. (1993a). A theory of marital dissolution and stability. Journal of Family Psychology, 7(1), 57–75. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.7.1.57
Gottman, J. M. (1993b). The roles of conflict engagement, escalation, and avoidance in marital interaction: A longitudinal view of five types of couples. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 61(1), 6–15. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.61.1.6
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.63.2.221
