Problems in communication look different for each couple and can be perceived differently by both partners in the relationship. For instance, one may not feel heard and may interpret that their feelings or perspectives aren’t important to their partner. The other partner may feel misunderstood, and no matter what they say or do, feel as if they can never do things right. Regardless of the pattern that is contributing to challenges in communication, both partners often end up feeling discouraged and emotionally disconnected from one another.

What we often overlook when communicating to our partner is effectively expressing our needs and desires. We may think that our partner is not listening or is choosing to dishonour our values, when in fact, they may not understand what truly is important to us or what we are asking of them. In some instances, we may not even be aware of our own feelings and what we need. Tuning into our emotions will provide clues about an unmet need, and once we become clear as to what that need is, we can then communicate it to our partner.

Drs. Julie and John Gottman (2014), both experts and researchers in couples therapy, developed a simple and effective way we can start a discussion with our partner. By expressing our needs in a positive way, we are more likely to communicate our point without criticism and blame. As a result, our partner is more likely to engage in a constructive conversation without a defensive guard.