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Registered psychologist and registered marriage & family therapist
Learning how to stop a conversation from turning into a fight is a valuable tool to have in your marriage toolbox. Can you think of a time when a disagreement over something turned into a big fight, with a line drawn in the sand between you, so to speak, each arguing a particular point and the conversation going around in circles instead of being able to move on?
Here is a tip to help you avoid this cycle:
Try to find some way to agree with what your partner is saying. There will always be some truth in your partner’s words, especially about your partner’s feelings. There may not be a lot of truth to the story that your partner may have about your motives, but your partner’s feelings are another matter. Your partner’s feelings are reflections of what he or she values, what is important to him or her, and of what he or she is needing in that moment. These values and needs are not really something you agree with or disagree with. They may be different from what you need at the moment, but they are part of your partner’s reality.
You might get your back up initially if your partner said to you, “You left your dishes out again. Why do you think it’s my job to do it?” Perhaps you probably want to point out that your partner is wrong, that you don’t think it is his or her job, and that you were about to get to it. But then you’ll be in a fight.
What is your partner feeling? Alone? Used? Unappreciated. Let’s say your partner uses an I-statement and says, “I feel frustrated and hurt when you leave your dishes out. It makes me feel as though you don’t see that I cleaned up an hour ago.”
Instead of getting defensive, you could say, “I know you worked really hard to clean up the kitchen and it must have felt like I didn’t care that you’d worked hard on it. I let myself get distracted. I’ll be more aware of picking up after myself. I do appreciate what you do here.”
Not acknowledging this truth (that your partner feels used or unappreciated or overwhelmed and that you got distracted) is dishonest by omission rather than commission. We can be just as dishonest by not acknowledging something that is real as we are when we intentionally state a falsehood. This dishonesty is an inherent part of defensiveness and is what feels threatening to the other person at a deeper level.
Find some grain of truth in their words.
Agree in principle with the other person’s concerns (you may not agree with specific details of the situation, but don’t let that sidetrack you). As I say, at the very least, acknowledge the truth of the other person’s feelings, based on their perception or view of the situation.
Instead of focusing on the part of the other person’s message that you don’t agree with, focus on the part you can agree with. This helps the other person lessen their defenses, and can lead to a more productive conversation as a result of truly listening to each other.
“Yes, I can see how that must have felt like I was insensitive.”
“You’re right. I wasn’t thinking.”
“You’ve got good reason to feel angry with me.”
“I can see why you feel so upset.”
This disarming technique works because it helps you be responsive to your partner’s feelings. By letting go of your need to defend, explain, or justify your behaviour, you offer nothing for your partner to resist.
In a sense, you take your sail out of your partner’s wind.
The effect may not be immediate, but eventually you will see your partner becoming less hostile and you will be able to interact differently because your partner feels more understood.
Book an appointment today with one of our caring and highly qualified couples counsellors.
© 2024 Calgary Couples Counselling Centre Inc. | Web by KP Design | COVID Policies | PRIVACY POLICY