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The Power of Forgiveness: How to Transform Hurt into Healing

Forgiveness is a powerful tool that transforms deep-seated hurt into healing, fostering inner peace, emotional well-being, and healthier relationships.

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The Power of Forgiveness: How to Transform Hurt into Healing

The Power of Forgiveness: How to Transform Hurt into Healing

Picture of Lara Akinpelu, <small>MS, Registered Provisional Psychologist</small>

Lara Akinpelu, MS, Registered Provisional Psychologist

“The Practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.”

- Marianne Willamsons

Everyone has been hurt by words or actions of others. In many cases, these words or actions hurt so deeply because offenders are usually people we love and to whom we are close. It could be a spouse or partner, a family member, a friend. It could be someone we hold in high esteem, such as in leadership authority, or someone we are in constant contact with, such as a work colleague. It could also be people near us such as our neighbors.

For many people, hurt and pain from the words or actions of others can lead to deep rooted resentment, bitterness, and anger. If unchecked, resentment can lead to hatred.

Unforgiveness cuts deep into our soul. Unforgiveness is like choosing to stay trapped in a jail cell of bitterness, serving time for someone else’s crime1. If you hold on to the pain, you might end up being the prisoner and suffering more pain. The scar of unforgiveness can fester and lead to more problems that manifest emotionally, physically, and mentally.

Effects of Unforgiveness

  • Unforgiveness keeps you wrapped up in the past and the hurt and prevents you from enjoying the present.
  • You may subconsciously or consciously bring bitterness and resentment into new relationships and experiences
  • Unforgiveness can make you lose valuable and enriching relationships with others.
  • Unforgiveness can make you become depressed, irritable, and anxious with self and others.
  • Unforgiveness can cause you to dislike yourself and lead to low self esteem.
  • Unforgiveness keeps you stuck in the victim mode.
  • Unforgiveness can lead to ill health.

What is Forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a personal choice, a decision from our core being to act contrary to the instinct to be vindictive and choose peace instead. By choosing to forgive, you allow yourself to experience inner peace, to heal and to move on with your life.

Your decision to forgive others does not erase the hurts caused you. It also does not mean you have to make up with the offender or minimize the pain from the experience. Rather, forgiveness helps create a new narrative of the past hurts. Forgiveness helps you see the offender in a positive light and changes your reactions to those painful memories.

Benefits of Forgiveness

  • Forgiveness helps you let go of resentment. When you forgive, you unburden yourself. You release the negative feelings of anger, bitterness, betrayal and create space for healing and growth.
  • Forgiveness improves communication. When you practice forgiveness, you can communicate more openly and honestly without criticism, contempt, or defensiveness.
  • Forgiveness can open the way for strengthening trust. Forgiveness helps you believe in your loved ones and others again. It can help rebuild damaged trust.
  • Forgiveness makes you happier. Letting go of negativity fosters a more positive and happy relationship with others.
  • Forgiveness promotes your physical, emotional and mental wellbeing.
  • Forgiveness empowers you and takes you out of the victim mode. You are no longer controlled by the negative energy. You can focus on working and strengthening yourself, creating healthy boundaries to prevent getting caught again in similar situations that could cause you pain in the future.

Forgiveness is a crucial ingredient for every healthy and lasting relationship. It is a powerful tool that can heal relationships and bring you closer to your spouse or partner, friends, family and the people you encounter daily. Understanding the benefits of forgiveness may help you find the motivation to forgive.

What Does it Take to Forgive?

Forgiveness is a choice. It takes daily practice. Forgiveness is also a process. The following steps might help you move toward forgiveness:

  • Recognize the importance of forgiveness and how it can improve your overall wellbeing.
  • Identify the areas of your life that need healing and who you want to forgive.
  • Acknowledge the feelings, thoughts, and emotions you are having about the hurt.
  • Recognize how these emotions and feelings impact your behavior.
  • Work on yourself to release those negative emotions and feelings.
  • If you are stuck doing it alone, you could consult a counselor, therapist, spiritual leader or an unbiased and kind close friend or relative that practices forgiveness.

How Can I Practice Forgiveness?

  • Make a daily commitment to forgive.
  • Practice staying in the moment with people so that you can experience and enjoy the blessings and opportunities of the moment.
  • Practice empathy, which helps you put yourself in the offender’s shoes. Allow yourself to think and feel in a compassionate way towards the offender. Empathy helps you look beyond the hurt, seek to understand, and connect with the offender’s emotions, feelings and what could have led to their behavior. By empathizing with people, we create a safe space for authentic expression thereby strengthening emotional bonds.
  • Think of times you erred, and you were forgiven. If you felt good about it, you may also want to consciously do the same for others. Offer forgiveness as an altruistic gift to others.

Forgiveness can be difficult when the offender is not taking responsibility for the behavior. Remember, you have no control over someone else’s behavior and getting others to change is not the reason for forgiving. Forgiveness is about you. Think of forgiveness as an empowering tool, which fosters your peace, happiness, physical, emotional, and mental wellness, and spiritual healing.

How do I Know I have Forgiven?

  • When you think or remember the wrong and it does not hurt anymore.
  • When you no longer wish to seek revenge and instead wish the offender well.
  • When you can think about the wrong and still find a silver lining.
  • When you can unilaterally decide to choose love and kindness over judgement.

I look forward to seeing you in the session!

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