Many couples find that after years of taking each other for granted, or leading busy lives, or misunderstanding each other’s communication styles that they have gradually grown apart. They feel like they are living as roommates.

At Calgary Couples Counselling Centre we believe that strong relationships are based on both keeping the negativity in the relationship low (i.e. reducing negative attitudes, criticism, defensiveness, etc.) on the one hand, and building friendship, goodwill and emotional connection, on the other.

In fact, we have seen how couples can still feel dissatisfied with their relationship even though they have learned to communicate better: this is because they haven’t yet turned toward each other with their whole hearts and connected in a sustained way.

John Gottman and his team of researchers have published a great deal of research about the importance of helping couples learn not only to manage their differences better and to work through conflict effectively, but also to build and deepen their intimate friendship. Their research has shown that emotional connection provides a buffer against negativity and actually helps couples manage their differences with greater ease.

A couple’s intimate friendship includes gaining knowledge of your partner’s feelings, dreams, preferences, styles and goals. It includes tuning into your spouse’s emotional needs and being responsive to them with care and attention. Building fondness and admiration for your partner, communicating the positive feelings you have for your spouse, and having fun together are also an important part of deepening your emotional connection.