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“I just don’t fit in with my stepfamily. It appears that my dream of blending together as a family unit will never happen.”
“Getting to know and trying to get along with my step kids is keeping me on my toes and is more challenging than I expected.”
“When one of the step kids directs a question at my partner without acknowledging me, without looking at me. . .”
“When the family shares inside jokes. . . .”
“When the family recalls a trip or experience that happened before I came on board . . .”
If you’ve been divorced and you have been dating a new partner for some time now, you might eventually decide to move in together or become a remarried couple. If you both have kids from previous marriages or a previous relationship, you may face some blended family issues, even if you have introduced the children and things seem to be going well.
Forming a blended family—also known as a stepfamily—is not an easy task. Building new relationships can be difficult and needs a lot of intentional work. Forming a functional and healthy stepfamily demands time, understanding, communication, patience, skill, grace, and emotional maturity.
There are significant differences between first-time families and stepfamilies. A first-time family, for example, begins with a couple, who do not yet have children, who have time to build intimacy and middle ground with each other before becoming parents. Also, children in a first-time family are hard wired for attachment to both parents and vice-versa. Many times, the couple in a blended family does not have the luxury of being “just the two of us”. Stepfamilies flip the order: children have arrived first (for either one or both of the partners) and then the couple forms. The shared middle ground and the strongest connections in the stepfamily are between the birth parents and their children.
This stepfamily architecture creates some unique challenges that nearly every stepfamily faces. Although there are many similarities in structure, each stepfamily is unique. They do not all fit in the same box. Let’s explore a few of the challenges that step families experiences.
In a first-time family, there is space initially to just be a couple. This provides the couple some time to create their friendship and build their intimacy before children come along. In contrast, in a stepfamily structure, the couple may or may not have had time to create a deeper bond and connection. Depending on their specific circumstances, the couple’s time, attention and priority goes towards the children.
The relationships between each member of a stepfamily vary significantly. A wife or husband, for example, relates differently with their partner than with their own children or their stepchildren. Another complicated layer is the dynamics that exist between birth children and stepchildren, and the expectations that parents and stepparents. Additionally, there are grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins … and yes, it can get complicated.
The new stepparent may feel excluded from the family and remain unsure about their position as a parent to the stepchild. Role strain may occur when a new stepparent experiences relationship difficulties due to an inability to carry out the intended role. To avoid the role strain, consensus and clarity of expectations is necessary. Competition between the step parent and the children can cause also role strain for the biological parent.
Parenting in a stepfamily isn’t the same as parenting in a first-time family. A stepparent and stepchild relationship takes time to build because there are no biological ties nor shared history. Just by the virtue of the structure of the stepfamily, the stepparents will have roles that may differ from what they expected. Stepparents may feel as if they have many responsibilities, but no rights.
Each member of a stepfamily has ideas about what a family unit should look like that are based on their previous experiences in a first-family unit. The previous experiences may include hurt, death, rejection, betrayal, as well as specific ways of having fun, doing things, connection and disciplining. Therefore, everyone has a certain set of expectations while entering the stepfamily unit.
A significant influence on a stepfamily are the unrealistic expectations that members of the blended family bring to the new relationships. The family may believe that the love between stepparents and stepchildren will develop relatively easily and that the stepfamily adjustment period will be short. These unmet expectations may lead to misunderstandings, blame and relationship conflicts.
In a stepfamily, one or both partners may have a previous partner. The previous partner—whether they are living or has died—will influence the stepfamily in one way or another. This unseen presence can be unsettling. The previous partner may be present in an emotional capacity, or through grandparents and/ or other extended family members. There may be monetary issues, (with child support), or difficulties over communication, or contact arrangements.
Whereas adults may feel a sense of companionship with their new partner, children may be feeling a sense of loss (loss from the divorce, loss of quality one on one time with their parent; in case of relocation – a loss of friends, school, familiar neighborhood, and familiar surroundings). Children often struggle with loyalty binds (“If I care about my stepmom/stepdad, I feel disloyal to my mom/dad”). Children also struggle with the amount and pace of change in their lives. Children go through rapid changes in the family’s structure. Research reveals that as the volume of change goes up, children’s wellbeing goes down.
Despite these daunting challenges, stepfamilies can be wonderful and great fun. In the next article, I’ll review some recommendations for addressing these challenges and strengthening your blended family. In the meantime, keep working on improving communication, being open and flexible, and recognising which relationships may need a little extra work. With a little time and effort, you and your family can be a successful stepfamily—a family with its own identity and a safe, secure place where relationships can grow stronger and deeper.
Establishing a strong stepfamily foundation is a process and not an event. Perhaps you have a concern that I haven’t mentioned in the article. Please feel free to reach out if you have a concern, question, query or if you would like help creating a successful stepfamily.
Please feel free to reach out to me (Gayatri Kainth) if you have a concern, question, query or you feel that you can be helped with a session. You reach can me by filling out our contact information form here.
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